7.31.2008

Un{Loved}

I personally believe that everybody feels this way numerous amounts of time throughout their lives.  And I guess that you can say I'm having one of those moments.  The sad thing is that I've been feeling this for a while now and I've just decided, being very emotional right now, that I'm finally going to blog about it.  Why would I bring something so personal out to the open?  Because I'm better at writing things than saying things and because like many other people with their blogs, I feel this is more like an open book journal than just a blog.  I love comments, I almost thrive on comments, and I feel so sad when a friend who's left comments in the past hasn't left one for a month, but I know that this blog is for myself to remember.  There was a lesson in Relief Society a while ago about keeping a journal.  The question came up do you jot down the bad things that have happened in your life as well as the good?  There were a couple of people who had different opinions.  One woman said, only the good.  Another said have one for good and another journal for the bad.  Another woman said have it all in one journal the good and especially the bad.  She went on to explain that you need the bad to help you learn from it.  You can also look back years from then and see how much you've grown since that last entry.  Also in hopes that your children, and your children's children will be able to see how much you've grown and maybe learn from your mistakes.  Well I know I have made a many mistakes in my life.  When I was younger with my three sisters you can say I was the rotten child.  I used to terrorize my younger sister, Cherie, so much she though I hated her.  I look back at how I acted and I am so sad that I treated her and my other sisters so badly.  There were times in my life that they needed me most and I wasn't there.  Maybe I've blocked some of those bad times from my memory but I honestly do not remember how they survived.  I fully believe I've changed my life around.  I'm totally not the person I used to be then but why is it that I still feel interpreted that way?  That I'm unappreciative?  It's like once you have a label you're stuck with it.  Label: Unappreciative.  It's hard for people to let the negative go and I understand that.  I obviously have things I need to let go.  For instance my birthday.  A group of my friends throughout the year have pitched in together and have gotten each other fun gifts.  For a while it was a coach bag, some people got massages, manicures and I helped pitch in every time.  For my birthday what did I get?  nothing.  I know I know who am I to expectant anything right?  I'm sorry I'm pouring this out to everyone and anyone who is still reading but you don't know how much that hurt how much it still hurts.  I always felt I got the short end of the stick.  Label: Walk all over me and I'll take it.  I don't know what it is about the nice person but you get walked all over.  It's like the controlling people find the stupid nice-guy and really makes sure they finish last.  I hate that!  My poor sister Cherie is going through it right now at school and I just want to go over to all her "friends" and tell them what I think.  And when she starts filtering out her bad friends from the good she's Labeled: antisocial.  You just can't win.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm just over reacting or my low self esteem is finally showing through but I already feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my chest.  I guess I'm setting myself up for misinterpretation so just don't read too much into this.  See... why do I do that?  No!  It does mean something to me or else I wouldn't have written it.  Just know I'm not angry but hurt.  I've been emotional lately and I'm not sure I'm actually handling it.  There's so much more I want to pour out but I think I've gotten my feelings across.  I've come to realize that I love good friends, ones who know they're exempt from this, and I love my family.  It's so true with the saying, your friends will come and go but your family will always be there.  I just want to tack on ...and your Heavenly Father.  I have to remind myself that even though I may be feeling unloved by the world, I'm still loved by Heavenly Father.

13 comments:

Jones Family said...

I am glad you expressed your feelings, you need to do that. And no way am I exempt from this post, I was there when this was going on and I don't know what kind of rime or reason was behind the presents but I know I got screwed a few times by buying gifts and not getting paid for them, it was kind of a messed up thing. I am so sorry that, that happened. That is so inexcusable. I love you to death and always feel that you can relate to me and we seem so similiar in so many ways, I am so sorry. I hate that you are hurt. I am sorry. Can I make it up to you:)

Melissa said...

I feel like there are SO many things i wanna say on my blog all the time and i don't because i know it's "TOO personl" or there are certain people i don't want to hurt. etc etc etc.

I am glad you wrote how you feel. It's a good thing to do. and it's YOUR blog. Someday I hope that I can work up enough courage to write a really personally post every once in a while. But until then i will just keep posting fun pictures of our life.

As you know, you and I are just beginning to be friends. I don't even know when your birthday is. BUT happy birthday nonetheless and for what it's worth. The other day a couple of us girls (and guys actually) were having a conversation about how MUCH we really like you.
Your a great person. your sweet and caring and you make everyone feel like they are your friend. those a great qualities to have. your a great example of how a Christlike person should live they're life. thanks for that.

theJorgies said...

noelle noelle noelle ... so true. every word of it. and why are we ashamed to feel these feelings?? or to admit that we feel these feelings, i guess.

i don't know if you remember my heart broken post a while back but it was just a tip of an iceberg of hurt and sad and lonely emotions inside myself.

i think your words here are beautiful.

theJorgies said...

and i hope you don't mind, but i've been working on a post on this subject and am still going to post it tonight. (kinda funny, i was about to post it, then decided to read around for a bit before pushing that little "post now" button) just didn't want you to feel "copy catted".

Carrie said...

Amen!!! To be honest, I am happy to have an "I'm-feeling-so-emotional-lately" buddy. It's bizarre, the further and further I got through this post, the more I became amazed at how familiar the words I was reading were to me----I've expressed these exact things (all the way down to the way I treated my little sister growing up and Birthdays) to David!!! I even go through the same process you did at the end, where you take what you expressed back for a split second, or play it off like it doesn't really matter, and then realize "No! It obviously does matter, or I wouldn't have been thinking about it so much, and had such a desire to get it off my chest!" Anyways, Noelle, for what it's worth, I think you are very appreciative, and am so grateful for your sincere kind heart (that will only bring you back out on top in the end!) You are loved, loved, loved!!!

The Waldon Family said...

Labeled: Appreciated.

You are always making my day brighter, I wish I could make yours brighter too. Here are my top five reasons I really appreciate your friendship:

5. I feel like you are always appreciating me! You are always so thoughtful to write on my blog and say things I hope to hear. I love you for taking the time to make me feel good!

4. Whenenver I saw you in Hawaii, you were so cheerful it was impossible to stay grumpy for long. I'd always go home smiling and laughing at something you said.

3. You boldly admit that you are human... something I am too chicken to do. Maybe that is why I love reading your blog so much!
I also miss spending time with you. You are never tearing other people down to help yourself up the ladder of life.

2. You let your kids be kids, and because of that you're what I think would be the perfect mommy.

1. I'm not quite sure how to say this, but I feel like you truly love your friends; and because of that, my testimony of being kind to others has grown.

Thanks so much for being such a good friend Noelle! I love you!!

Taylor and Leah Stimmel said...

My Label for you - WONDERFUL! You have a smaile that it beautiful BRIGHT! A family that is amazingly CHEERFUL and a vocabulary that includes THANK YOU & SORRY more than anyone else I know. You are (today) an incredible person... We all (yesterday) have things we wished we could take back. I look back at what my sisters had to endure because of me and it breaks my heart but we have a wonderful oppertunity to love them like crazy for the rest of our lives and make it up for them (even though I'm sure you already sis 10 fold).

We all have our moments when we feel unloved, and it perfectly OK to embrace the emotions we feel, what would we be if we didn't.

You are so loved and missed. Even if we are an ocean away and coon on different continents know that you are thought of often by so many people who love you.

I really do believe that our time will come again when we get to see each other and when we do it will be as if we didn't miss a minute. Oh crap, I'm getting all teary, it's cause I really DO miss you!!!!

LOVE YOU!

iMaLLheaRt said...

I know we didn't really get to know each other or really hang out when we were at BYUH together but from when we did interact, you are the nicest person I know. You always go out of your way to talk to me and make me feel welcome. I didn't always feel like I fit in, in the ward because I didn't really know anyone since I was always away. So I just wanted to say that I appreciate you and love you. I LOVE reading your blog and I especially LOVE that you leave comments. I love getting comments too!! I don't know when your birthday is but I'm guess it has already passed and so here is a birthday song for you:
"You to birthday happy, you to birthday happy, Noelle dear birthday happy, you to birthday happy!!!

;D

.Ang. said...

I didn't read this post until after I called last night. I wish i would have known so i could have acknowledged it... and not sounded so silly in hindsight.

I, Like the others, am glad you were able to get it all out! I know I feel the same way from time to time! and I'm the same, I just keep it all in.. when you feel unloved you don't feel like you can talk to anyone about anything anyways.I may not be the best at making plans, or coming down to visit you guys in Kailua, I want to be better at both of those things. BUT I want you to know that I LOVE YOU!! If you ever need anything let me know!!! FOR REAL!!! Even if it's just getting out of the house to look at the stars, or talk about everything, or nothing!!

Now that Marty is coming home tonight, we'll be able to carry on with our facebook chats like usual!!

Erin and James said...

i totally agree with you about how family will always be there for you when your friends aren't. many a times that has happened to me. I don't think you are antisocial at all. I could see how people would walk all over you, but that is a great quality, i mean the fact that you are SO DANG NICE! those people that walk on you, suck! and they aren't your friends, kick them out. That is what i do, that is def. what james does. about the birthday thing...I'm sorry!!! When was your bday again?! james felt the same way about his birthday how he got jipped when we always gave others gifts. It's so hard sometimes. Most people are going to let you down a lot. I was emotional like you in hawaii, because i thought people sucked, and it was obvious in my blogs. sad thing is, a lot of people will read your emotions and say or do or change nothing. lame huh. well i love you and think you are wonderful and soo sweet and totally genuine! seriously you really are, and james agrees. he says sorry too.

Erin and Aaron said...

hi! do you remember me? we've met a few times, and just happen to think drew is the cutest thing i've ever seen!

well, your post spoke to me! i literally have been struggling with the same feelings, and even wrote a post about this same thing just a few days ago...for me, it's good to tell myself 'most of those feelings I'm making up in my head" at least the labeling part, because people LOVE you, they only see the good, and they genuinely care, for the most part. BUt just like you, I get insecure and start running so many weird thoughts through my head.

the crappy parts, just brush off, do a jig, and buy yourself some ice cream. works for me every time!

Stewart Family said...

Sorry about everything. I totally understand. Life can really have it's ups and downs. I wish we were there to hang out with you guys! We love you and I totally miss when we had our mom's group in Kailua! That was the best :o) Hope that things are going better, and that Kurt gets out soon. It is always harder to deal with life when your hubby isn't around! We miss you!!

The Boyd's said...

Noelle! You're amazing. I just read this blog tonight and I was thinking about how I miss you. I think you are right in every way to be able to express your emotions. I think we shouldn't be afraid of offending people when we post. Good friends will either not let it bother them or talk to you if it does bother them. The only friends that will be offended and leave it like that are the friends not really worth keeping. I feel bad about the entire birthday thing. It was rough because sometimes I had money to contribute and sometimes I didn't. It was a good idea with good intentions, but didn't work out in a positive way. Some people didn't get gifts, some people didn't get paid, and some people didn't pay. All around I think we failed at that whole deal. I feel bad that you were down and I wasn't there for you. I really miss you so much! I love you.

Mary

 
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