11.03.2010

Ice Woman

This blog has kinda become a dumping ground and I'm sorry, for those of you still reading (I totally would've deleted me by now!)

Who is Ice Woman?

Ice Woman is the name my sister has come up with for my other personality.  My Mr. Hyde if you will.  Ice Woman is harsh, cold, she's thick skinned, insensitive, irritable, bored, tired, impatient.  She slumps her shoulders, creases her brow, walks slowly and stubbornly, head towards the floor and there may even be some eye rolling involved.

Where did Ice Woman come from?

She was born, I'm pretty sure, around the time my dad passed away.  After my dad passed away I didn't stay home and grieve like any normal person did, Ice Woman made me run.  She went to school for me, interacted for me, although I know I was partly there too at the time.  But that was the start and I've noticed Ice Woman making more and more appearances lately.

When was the last time Ice Woman came?

She's here now.  I just went shopping with Drew and saw something on a muffin box that made her come. This said Something is everywhere at the moment.  And I don't know why it bugs her so.  I think she's just tired of it.  She's tired of a lot of things very quickly.  She's not naive about how serious things are.  No.  She knows first hand how serious it is, she's just insensitive.  Because she knows first hand she's become bored of it.  Bored of it being talked about.  Bored that it's everywhere.  Again don't get her wrong!  She knows what everyone's trying to do and it's a good thing.  But sometimes things get old quickly for her.  Then things in the news.  Why should people have to cater to others?  Again, just old and tired of people and certain situations.  Ice Woman is very unsympathetic.  So she came at the grocery store and when Drew got lost Ice Woman stayed.  Did I go running around looking for my lost child like any good mother should?  No Ice Woman was just annoyed.  Annoyed because Noelle had told Drew to stay be me because she'll turn herself around and end up with her back to me and start to freak out that I left her, when actuality I'll be right be right behind her.  If you can't tell it's happened before.  No Ice Woman was annoyed and kept shopping.  She waited as she picked her cheese.  She waited, although hoped it wouldn't happen as she scoured the aisles around her in hopes she'd spot Drew, and while she was waiting for her turkey to be cut, her waiting finally ended.

"Attention Walmart customers.  We have a lost Mom.  Could Noelle please come to the service desk?  Could Noelle please come to the service desk?"

Ice Woman waited nonchalantly for her turkey to be done.  Then slowly with slumped shoulders and a crease on her brow, walked over to the service desk. Ice Woman only gave an irritated scowl as she rounded the corner to the service desk.  She didn't run up to her daughter and give her a great big hug and say things like, "I'm SO glad you're safe."  Nope.  She just picked her up, gave a half smile to the lady behind the counter, and said to her beloved daughter, "You're never coming with me to the store again."  Ice Woman meant it too.

Ice Woman doesn't sound like a good mom.

Nope.  She's not.  And she's not a good wife either.  Instead of holding her husband with loving arms, she looks over his shoulder and looks at the mess he could've cleaned up while she was gone.  She doesn't hug him back and is only irritated that husband was trying to pick a freaking shirt, instead of just throwing one on and coming out to help bring the groceries in.

Would Ice Woman receive help?

Maybe.  I think she's so far gone, so much has happened to her that I'm not sure what could be done.  Really? She doesn't come THAT often.  She takes jabs to the stomach a little at least every day, but she doesn't stay very long, very often.  I don't think anything will help with her thick skin.  There's been times where she tried to break free.  She wanted to cry, and there's been a couple of success stories.  Last night I cried for my dear friend Megan battling cancer.  I cried for my friends getting a divorce.  I cried for a friend close to me in his goal to be the person he wants to be.  But sometimes I don't show up like when she was photographing the babies who passed away.  She tried crying because she felt like she needed to.  She was sad but nothing broke her thick skin.  She became immune and showed her husband the slideshow, not thinking he'd be affected by it.  Then something weird happened.  She saw something leak from his eye.  What was that? Oh, he was crying!  He asked Ice Woman to turn it off and she was dumbfounded.  Again don't get me wrong.  If it had been her child she wouldn't be here.  The real human would be here.  But she's not human and she has little feeling unless it's negative.  At that moment she was somewhat envious of her husband.  He had a soul.

Why couldn't Ice Woman have a soul?

She wants one and every time there's a chunk of ice chiseled off she's ecstatic!  But it's slow going.  There's a lot of hammering involved.  She has to let go of the ice.  She doesn't like it when her head is hot and bursting and is close to exploding.  She doesn't like that pit in her stomach and the heavy weight in her chest.  She hates being insensitive and soulless but I think sometimes she's worried what a blubbering idiot she'll become if she was sensitive to everyone and everything.  So for right now it's slow going.  Maybe one day, when her kids are older and more crap has happened to her to make things more personal, she'll melt.  Then again she could become stronger.

10 comments:

Erin said...

i have my own ice woman issues...big ones.
well i think noelle is FABULOUS!

IWA (e - va) said...

The first time i ever heard you speak in sacrament meeting, I knew i liked you, because you're so real, And you're not afraid to show it!

You're an awesome writer.... You should write an Ice woman series! I bet it would be both Hilarious and comforting to women everywhere! :)

Michelle said...

Oh, Noelle, I am so sorry and cried for you as I read. There have been so many times I just shut down because life was too overwhelming. I give up and just sit. I am too afraid of tackling my problems because they are safe. The unknown is not safe. What if I change and it is too hard? Right now, life is not easy but it is a habit. Sound familiar.
We all have things that we hate about our thoughts and behavior. If we take it to the Right Place, it will get better. Love you so much.

Melissa said...

ok HAHAHAHA!!! I know this is serious, but you are soooo funny!

I think EVERY WOMAN has an ICE WOMAN inside! It's because we have a load of crap on our plates and most of the time we are the only people affected by it. If we were sensitive to everything we would be weeping ALL THE TIME!

I think it's okay to have an ice woman sometimes, I think we need her every once in a while.

I like you a lot.

Noelle said...

Thank you SO much guys for commenting. Please know as serious as this is I did mean it to be humorous. I had a loving friend call me and didn't know how to react. I had to tell her it was okay to laugh. :) I always have Kurt read what I write and he was laughing pretty hard when I mentioned him. It feels so good to write these things down. I could've deleted the whole thing right after writing it because I already felt better, but I though I should publish it too. No Ice Woman here today! And Iwa I LOVE the idea of an Ice Woman series! Hahaha, thank you ladies!!

Kara Boulden said...

Noelle, you are awesome! So is Ice Woman. I think she DOES have a soul. Just one that doesn't take any lip from anyone. Let her roar! :) You both deserve to be respected and heard! You are a fantastic person and mom no matter which of you is at the wheel!

Lacie, Jer, and Jac said...

If my alter ego met yours on the same day, there would be a lot of dark humor... maybe I'll call you next time she comes :)

Shanae said...

I am so glad that you wrote this, SERIOUSLY, I FORGOT HOW MUCH WE ARE ALIKE!!! DID YOU KNOW that Aaron is looking at a job in St. George, you know how close that would make us. I got really excited of that thought!!!! My ice women's name is Shanae-nae. Aaron named her. She has been around lately, being pregnant DOES NOT HELP!!! And I have wanted to write about it but didn't quiet know how, YOU ARE A GOOD WRITER, I on the other hand feel like I have these amazing thoughts but just don't know how to regurgitate it in writing. ANYWAYS, thanks for this post!!!!!!!!

Mary Boyd said...

Dear Ice Woman,

I love Noelle. She is a beautiful and happy mom that has one of the brightest smiles I've ever seen. She's talented and I hope you realize how special she is. Please remember that, and try to melt because she's tired of using a chisel. Thank you.

Mary Boyd said...

Dear Noelle,

Thank you for your post. It made me cry because I could relate, I felt like giving you a hug, and I appreciate your work for those families that have had babies pass away. Thank you my dear sweet friend.

 
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