Hiyah! A lot of you have probably wondered where I've been. The person you can rely on to post every other day because I have nothing better to do has gone MIA. Well lately I have not been feeling up to posting or even blogging all together. Read on readers if you want a story.
July 28th I couldn't take it much longer. I was two weeks late for my period. The month before I was a week and a half late when I finally spent the money to get a pregnancy test. Both test taken a day apart were negative. I really wish I would've saved a test. They are just annoyingly expensive to me. All of this was going through my head when we passed it. A huge UGLY sign in Kanehoe that announced a Free Pregnancy and Counseling Clinic. Hahahaha! Kurt and I HAD to do it not because it was free but because it was too funny of a situation to pass up. It looked like a place a pregnant teen would go if they didn't want their parents to know. We thought it would be kinda funny if I played it that way. So I go in and Kurt stays in the car with the kids. I walked through the doors and thought this isn't as ghetto as the sign made out to be, it looks okay. Then I noticed the crosses and signs with a scripture quoted on it. The thing I missed as I walked in was the little fish symbol for Christ in the corner of the sign. Hahahaha! It made it that much better. So I go and sign in and the nurse immediately tells me that you have to make a $5 donation to cover all the costs as she pushes a clear donation box at me. I almost laughed and turned around but I gave them $5 in quarters. The nurse then led me to a room that I thought would be like a doctors office but the other thing I missed was that it was a counseling center too. So instead of a patient bed there was a couch. Okay whatever that's kinda cool. I knew she wasn't a doctor and I wasn't going to be checked but still a couch was to get comfortable and I just wanted to take the test and go. But I sit down and she starts asking me questions. So I am supposed to be comfortable. I give her all the personals and then she goes more personal. She asked how many partners my husband and I have had and I said just each other and then she asked if I have ever taken and STD test. No I wouldn't need to. By the look on her face she was going to give it to me. She started shaking her head and was about to tell me how you can never trust your husband then my mind started working. Wait! I have two kids. Don't they give you an STD test at your first prenatal visit? My pregnant teen cover was blown but it was better to tell than to have to hear her lecture. She relaxed but she wasn't through yet. Her next question was, "Do you have a relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ?" umm... yes... "Well let me tell you about my experience finding a relationship with him. The next 45 min she told me her life story. Now I really wished I wouldn't have come. It just was not worth it. I started to write what she had said to me but Kurt and I concluded that it wasn't good for the soul. Let me just say that as she was bearing her testimony to me it strengthened mine and my choice to be a member of this church. Every trial she told me about would've been prevented if she lived like us. I wanted to bear her my testimony but it didn't feel right. And how she gained a testimony through her experiences I have NO idea. So finally after my spirit took a couple of hits she finally said it was time for the test. I went in the bathroom, peed in a cup and she gave me stick to stick in it. Then we went back in the dreaded counseling room. This time when we sat down she asked if I wanted to see her babies. Hmm... her kids? Nope. She whipped out this velvet box and opened it to reveal babies to scale of size and weight at 6 weeks 7 weeks all the way to 12 weeks. That one she wanted me to hold. That was it. If she asked me to do one more freakish thing I was gone! I'll hold your scary baby but if there was anything else I had to do to just find out if I was pregnant I would take my $5 donation back and leave. I held the baby, gave it a little shake because it was rubbery and handed it back. Last question she asked before we found out,"If you find out the test is positive what are you planning on doing with the baby?" Now my slow mind went through a thousand answers at once, name it, feed it, hold it, I could've used a twix right then but then I caught on. Keep it? Right answer. She held up the test, I signed a paper and I finally was released. So for those of you who haven't figured it out yet, because I am apparently an open book, I'm pregnant!
Now to answer questions that you may or may not be thinking. It was NOT planned. I actually got back to the car and bawled. One of my biggest fears was to have three kids three and under. If you could personally handle three kids three and under more power to you. Get them done and over with, but for me...I never mentally thought I personally could handle it. I wanted to have the next one in October 2010. Call me bad, call me evil, but I cried for a couple of days after. We're supposed to be leaving for Korea in the near future. I do NOT want to have a baby there!! I googled a ton about having a baby in Korea and the c-section rate is 40%!! So now I'm terrified. Through my self pity I got to thinking why would Heavenly Father give me a baby that was not planned on, when there are too many women who are having a hard time getting or keeping a pregnancy? The only thing I could think of was that this pregnancy was not only not planned but I really shouldn't have gotten pregnant. So... even though having a baby may not have been on our agenda it was on the Lords agenda. At least that's what I've been telling myself. So why have I been so MIA? I feel like CRAP! All I want to do is lay on the couch. This is the worst morning sickness I've had. I don't throw up but that doesn't mean that it's not as bad as if I did. My poor mom and husband have been waiting on me hand and foot. They have been SO good to me. I can't eat the same thing twice, I can't make my own food because the smell of everything makes me dry heave, but I need to eat every other hour. So they name things off and will make late night runs to get me what sounds good at that time. My poor kids are SO neglected by me. If Kurt has to go anywhere the kids will sit in front of the tv till somebody comes home and takes care of them. So this post has taken over a week to write because I only come on the computer when I feel somewhat okay. Then to tack on more to my pathetic body I woke up Saturday morning with a crick in my neck. I have to turn my whole torso to look to my right and a sharp pain hits when I move my head a quarter inch towards my shoulder. I'm going in for a massage tonight and I'm praying it helps because I feel bad when I have the 'just kill me now' feeling. Moving on I should be due March 22nd but my kids are always small to start off with and the first ultra showed I should be due April 1. On Friday my Dr. will make the final decision for my due date. With the baby due then Brody and baby will be two years apart and Drew will be turning four in July. We've concluded to have one more soon after this one and be done! I was praying I was having twins with this pregnancy so I wouldn't have to go through the morning sickness again, but I have no luck. It's okay though. If I calculate correctly my kids will be out of the house by the time I'm 45. That sounds good to me.
ps i'm happy, just feel like crap
