Un{Loved}

I personally believe that everybody feels this way numerous amounts of time throughout their lives.  And I guess that you can say I'm having one of those moments.  The sad thing is that I've been feeling this for a while now and I've just decided, being very emotional right now, that I'm finally going to blog about it.  Why would I bring something so personal out to the open?  Because I'm better at writing things than saying things and because like many other people with their blogs, I feel this is more like an open book journal than just a blog.  I love comments, I almost thrive on comments, and I feel so sad when a friend who's left comments in the past hasn't left one for a month, but I know that this blog is for myself to remember.  There was a lesson in Relief Society a while ago about keeping a journal.  The question came up do you jot down the bad things that have happened in your life as well as the good?  There were a couple of people who had different opinions.  One woman said, only the good.  Another said have one for good and another journal for the bad.  Another woman said have it all in one journal the good and especially the bad.  She went on to explain that you need the bad to help you learn from it.  You can also look back years from then and see how much you've grown since that last entry.  Also in hopes that your children, and your children's children will be able to see how much you've grown and maybe learn from your mistakes.  Well I know I have made a many mistakes in my life.  When I was younger with my three sisters you can say I was the rotten child.  I used to terrorize my younger sister, Cherie, so much she though I hated her.  I look back at how I acted and I am so sad that I treated her and my other sisters so badly.  There were times in my life that they needed me most and I wasn't there.  Maybe I've blocked some of those bad times from my memory but I honestly do not remember how they survived.  I fully believe I've changed my life around.  I'm totally not the person I used to be then but why is it that I still feel interpreted that way?  That I'm unappreciative?  It's like once you have a label you're stuck with it.  Label: Unappreciative.  It's hard for people to let the negative go and I understand that.  I obviously have things I need to let go.  For instance my birthday.  A group of my friends throughout the year have pitched in together and have gotten each other fun gifts.  For a while it was a coach bag, some people got massages, manicures and I helped pitch in every time.  For my birthday what did I get?  nothing.  I know I know who am I to expectant anything right?  I'm sorry I'm pouring this out to everyone and anyone who is still reading but you don't know how much that hurt how much it still hurts.  I always felt I got the short end of the stick.  Label: Walk all over me and I'll take it.  I don't know what it is about the nice person but you get walked all over.  It's like the controlling people find the stupid nice-guy and really makes sure they finish last.  I hate that!  My poor sister Cherie is going through it right now at school and I just want to go over to all her "friends" and tell them what I think.  And when she starts filtering out her bad friends from the good she's Labeled: antisocial.  You just can't win.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm just over reacting or my low self esteem is finally showing through but I already feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my chest.  I guess I'm setting myself up for misinterpretation so just don't read too much into this.  See... why do I do that?  No!  It does mean something to me or else I wouldn't have written it.  Just know I'm not angry but hurt.  I've been emotional lately and I'm not sure I'm actually handling it.  There's so much more I want to pour out but I think I've gotten my feelings across.  I've come to realize that I love good friends, ones who know they're exempt from this, and I love my family.  It's so true with the saying, your friends will come and go but your family will always be there.  I just want to tack on ...and your Heavenly Father.  I have to remind myself that even though I may be feeling unloved by the world, I'm still loved by Heavenly Father.